Fire Posts from Jan Bootcamp

since PC is going down I will move over the stuff I actually liked on there 

This was Fire posts

you know I should really find this triggering because 4 or 5 years ago we actually had that house fire 9 days before New Years which did essentially set the year on fire for us, lol

the reason I don't is in the end nothing bad happened to any of us and the fact is that house and life situation was and had been a millstone round our neck (it was just way too cluttered and chaotic) and the fire facilitated burning through a lot of that. It was a fire in the upstairs unit so we didn't even suffer any notable damage to our important belongings; just a lot of smoke and water damage. We were 'homeless' for a few weeks which just meant living with mum and then moved on from there. Had a storage unit for 2+ years then found a solid place that we are somehow still at. Who knows for how long; hopefully for a while or at least till we can make a graceful transition

anyway the moral of the story is, sometimes a real fire (IE outside catastrophe) can lead to good things

it will be interesting to see how i can use this imagery to my benefit currently. 

I need a fire under my arse in regards to energy level, will to do things, decisino making, and what I said last bootcamps re closing the gap between my fancies and what I actually DO do

SET FIRE TO:

- all the stuff that's still extraneous and clutter
- approach - avoidance re certain relationships, etc
- the occasional or frequent dread and "everything's going to hell all the time" thing
- $ chaos

IF THERE WAS ONE THING
I guess it would be that gooey viscous membrane of inaction, apathy, uninvolvement, pessimism, dread, whatever you want to call it, that stands between me and living a life in a lived way and sort of stains everything I undertake. Something like that. I feel I have invested a lot of time and energy trying to get rid of that and now in some ways I DO feel closer but still not really there

i think it is there to keep me from having certain feelings about things and myself so the only solution is to just tolerate the feelings and have it all burn off me that way. Can't think of anything more

so, pursue mroe things that actively make me feel like garbage. Hence, the 'fail' goal in many ways




The pic is from a different time when things seemed different, more 'fiery', even though it ended up all being bullshit - but also the sun is a giant fireball so why not


still trying to come up with a conceptual framework for this 'fire' business

maybe I go have a smoke and that inspires me :-D :-D :-D

--

OK I'm back

mainly for me the idea is 'what is fire' in a symbological/philosophical/practical sense?

what is 'fire'

1. enthusiasm 
2. committing 
3. I want to say 'passion' but that word kind of irks me - to me either it's romance novels or this, both which make me kind of want to throw up in my mouth a bit. So maybe forget 'passion' and stick with BRIO which is what they say in music when they want you to play a certain way, 'con brio'
4. emotions 
5. focus
6. faith
7. will to power (Wille zur Macht, for the initiated)
8. transforming the old, useless, broken thru destruction/repurposing
9. rising again after being beaten down, improved
10. group contagion, stampede, mob mentality
11. assertiveness; striking down oppressors


and here's 'anti fire'

1. apathy
2. checking out
3. lethargy
4. cerebralizing
5. vagueness
6. irony
7. Ressentiment
8. wallowing in clutter, nostalgia, the past
9. staying down after a beating
10. isolation, critical distance, remaining unmoved by the lives of others
11. tolerating others' misdeeds so as to 'not create waves'

OK that was thoroughly useless. Sort of interesting, though. I look at the fire list and sort of scoff at myself 'yeah right'. But some things are good. Items 1, 7, 8, 9, and 11 have much to recommend them. 

But items 4, 6, and 10 on anti-fire list do too. Also item 11 on anti fire list is sometimes useful/appropriate (espcially when you're the one who stuffed it up). And sometimes you can't help being at 3 becuase health or whatnot. 1, 7, and 9 are really the villains of this anti fire list. 

And all my practical life goals revolve around 8 in regards to my personal space, and around 1 and 2 in regards to my spiritual space.

other ideas:

1. specifically burning something albeit symbolically (IE some old writings) might be good. Not easy to manage since no fire pit and someone told me the other day it's illegal to burn paper, cardboard, etc (oops)

summer '17 I burned a ton of old journals from HS on thru college (some of them were actually water damaged) and on the one hand it is possible for me to construct the belief that it did something for me (opened me up musically more, oddly) but on the other hand i actually regretted it. I didn't expect that. This was a record as to my state of mind at that time and would have been helpful in a possible future. Now it's all GONE. People on here congratulated me for doing it and of course I can't take it back so I have to live with it but I realise it's not that simple to just burn thru stuff

also in May i murdered my other PC account that had TONS of content. Same thing. Didn't really save any of it. Some regret there as well, mainly because it prob depleted the site of content. BUt also the historical record

so I really am not a stranger to 'burning things away' but am wondering if there's a use in doing it now in spite of 'fire' theme

2. some spiritual meditation discipline with candles - this seems OK and doable enough

3. exercise or exertion in some way - always a welcome thing but not always practical. Maybe mini trampoline if my knee allows it

4. a bonfire once - very impractical. As said, we don't have a pit. It would have to work out that I go to a thing where that's happening. Possibly this weekend, though

In conclusion

the useful ideas to me are

1. enthusiasm v apathy
2. commitment v checking out
3. Will to Power v Ressentiment
4. transforming v clutter (both for material and spiritual things)
5. some candle work
6. aerobic exercise commitment (if allowed)

so that will be my framework

fireball thru the tree near Baton Rouge, LA, another old fiery time

breaking it down more

1. enthusiasm v apathy -
part of this is 'courage' stuff of last month, as well as 'failure' goal. I notice that big impediment to enthusiasm is constant fear of bad ends, and fear of failure, and fear/expectation of disappointment

I think it's too much to ask of myself to actually harbour honest unwavering Enthusiasm towards life so I will ask for:
a) suspending disbelief that everything i like and will undertake is destined to go down the shitter
b) more commitment to Failure goal (I actually DO feel enthusiastic about this, oddly enough)
c) just having more fun in general by doing random fun things IE social, etc, especially after suffering a setback or being stuck in frustration/dissappointment (whether bc something sucky happened or I procrastinated and thus feel down). Flip that script and go have fun instead and thus inhabit more a state of Enthusiasm than Funk.

2. commitment v checking out - this is where you commit to specific goals/modalities:

a) writing career for J and I: IE I am forcing him to write a 60,000 novel by Jan 11th because of a deadline. Literally threatening to withhold nourishment unless he does it. If I didn't believe he could do it I wouldn't. But he MUST.
As well am committing to my own writing things, sub. stuff when a deadline occurs, etc. Begun working on a 2004 to present memoir and also Uber Diaries
Part of committment here is to read more. I am as an adult a rubbish reader because it's more fun to Cupcake Wars and social media. But it is important
b) fix $ disaster: This needs some MAJOR FIRE to come through. There's the whole not overspending and actively beating bushes to make more $. And all attendant noxious bullshit involved in those. Specific goal is to pay off a $900 clandestine credit card. Another specific goal is to begin a clandestine savings account. THis is a year-long goal BTW
c) set a fire sword to clutter: Can dovetail with 2 because I'm not above extracting every last penny out of whatever random household crap I have before passing it on (it's how we survived 2010, yo) but at some pt it becomes a bit of a cost-benefit analysis IE if something else is more remunerative then one can take all to Goodwill. Another year-long goal that intersects with above
d) music: my only real goals are for personal practice and learning specific pieces. No real committment to performance or $ save for possibly busking and the one open mic I owe David Bowie (long story; will not go into). But music as daily life
e) job: doing the best I can in timely manner and producing results for those ppl
f) computer/IT: have wanted to get good at something in this realm for ages. Want to commit to learning more re networking/internet generally to be able to do more interesting stuff, and to learn a language. Poss PHP because some direct application to things I've had to be doing. Also clean up tech/learn more Windows maintenance tasks, etc
g) creative production: includes JH+AA art, other art I may undertake
(h) creative promotion/sales: things to do with grant seeking, Poatreon (fi we even do this), going to sell, prospecting with shops and galleries, 'networking', newsletter, 'social media', etc. This always seems the hardest/most hopeless, because So Much Hate.) Putting this in parenthesis because if I can find a way to make some other person do this or if we can make do without it then it can GO FUCK ITSELF. But I can also see how with the right gaming mentality it could be fun. So who knows
i) a productivity process of accountability: to know you actually accomplished things
j) social/relationships: and all that entails

3. Will to Power v Ressentiment - prob need to read up more on what these specific things mean. The little I saw resonated though

4. transforming v clutter (both for material and spiritual things) -
a) selling whatever can, online or yard sales, part of this
b) burning things if appropriate (though as stated elsewhere prob not practical)
c) taking to Goodwill
d) weekly/daily committment to Chores
e) filing/consolidating/discarding papers
f) Kon Mari type things
g) making ugly things not ugly IE icky chair in porch that i like bc comfortable but looks like hell so do something with that
h) any spiritual processes for releasing old fears or resentments, as applicable
i) confronting ppl/asserting v. holding it in (procrastinating oddly fits in here somehow)

5. some candle work - thinking of doing LHay again, or at least a morning prayer.

6. aerobic exercise commitment (if allowed)