- being home again and seeing the kitty!!!!!!! The big cute orange furball. the "golden fluffy love pig"
- youtube video editing software - supremely limited but surprisingly robust, and makes up for fact i had to give up Final Cut when computer died
- clarity regarding future goals for next 3 months even though none of the goals fill me with any joy or satisfaction as of yet
- it was nice being able to go on a trip and see great ppl from the past and meet great new ppl, it is always good to hear different POV
- tentatively feeling better in spite of shite diet, but we'll see
my one thing
is still way too big and still not getting done/started till late in the day
very frustrated by my seeming inability to set realistic goals about tasks and things. To me it points to an endemic habit of not producing or utilizing time correctly, so when i actually DO CARE about getting things done, i cant.
I have no choice but to be patient with myself and forgive the fact i set up dynamics for being unproductive and unaccountable in my life that i have to pay for now
all i really want is to get to the end of the day (and 9pm, NOT 3am like last nite) and have actually completed what i said i would. Very simple.
The obvious response is to have a very brainless and easy low-common-denominator list and maybe i just need to go back to that
so today
- finish the task of yesterday (2 videos, almost done with one)
- upload weekend photos to facebook & tag ppl
- computer notate yesterday's notes
- email clean up 1 hour
DAS IST ALLES
anything above that is gravy
I think a ton about productivity etc. and wonder about it often in relation to my own inability to stay on task and get things done. I don't know if this is helpful at all... I've started to look at things I don't accomplish that have an arbitrary time restraint on it... i.e. I decided I want it done this week but nothing bad will happen if it's not done... and I have realized that it is highly likely that I just needed to shut down for a while... you know... like I'm not built to always be productive. Maybe I need more leisure, mindless, relax time than other people do?? I don't know. Is it possible that we each our built/wired differently? That it's not a character flaw as much as it is something about ourselves specifically that needs to be tended to in a different way? IDK... just ramblings.
ReplyDeletethat makes sense... sometimes it is just for the principle of the thing that i want to get so & so done by the end of the day, bc like you say there's no actual deadline etc & esp. with my life as it is now there's no immediate punishment but it is the death by 1000 cuts where ifyou're trying to build towards something it wont get built if you don't take steps every day
ReplyDeletei have found it disemposering and source of self contempt that i say i will do this & that & at the end of the day onlyu 20% got done and even if nothing crucial was undone still it was like, why make promises to yourself that you're just going to ignore? that all goes back to "why are you still A B or C years after you said you'd stop? maybe it's bc you can't even manage to have integrity for one whole day"
the good thing would get to a pt where
1) I have a REALISTIC IDEA of how long it will take so that at least i know myself capable of making non-bullshit goals, and
2) like you say, having a flexible attitude re 'well if it didnt get done it mustve not been all that' but knowing and having capacity to always finish what is important