copying this over from another place I was notating them
THE DAILY FAILS
1. the funny bit re the house next door
2. the inherent FAIL which is participating on that other site I waste so much time on (henceforth, TOS) but how I persist in it for no foggiest idea why - did manage to moderate though
3. still committing to daily process/list though effort is a FAIL when you, you know, go to bed at 7am and other cray stuff
4. THE NOVEL. EPIC FAIL. Trying to write a novel in a week (!!!) 60k words, and possibly fucking up the formatting at the last minute so they did not receive the final 2k words and the inherent hubris in submitting for a contest a first draft of a novel that was possibly incomplete. STill, we wrote the bugger, submitted it on deadline, and that's all that matters.
5. the way the g - d word processor kept crashing and probably contributed to the submitting Fail
6. just baited a literal sociopath on another site (TOS). Probalby not the best idea but could not be helped. So if I dissappear one day... you'll all know whywas going to take the day off this but it turns out
i utterly FAILED to go to bed early
at first I thought by 10
that was unreasonable so, midnite
well, since i was still fucking around after 1, then I lost my window and it approaches 3, and... here we are
at least I DID get some stuff done I didn't think i would, so at least that's something
@AStaggeringRatofHeartbreakingSomething 05-Jan 02:19
I too failed to go to bed early. I also failed to rise early! Thus, so much for healthy, wealthy and wise!$ fail
I defo am a $ fail in life
specifically, failed to keep proper records re time spent at jobs so possibly underbilling
having to submit hours generally is unpleasant but especially if I've not kept proper records
so smaller paycheck so having to confront less $ to pay bills
and in general snowballs to all other ways I am $ fail
the $ fail is a big Achilles tendon for me. It is the 'no fun fail' aspect of this goal, having to confront all the ways I am $ fail, and the way it is hard of me to conceive of NOT being that since that modality/pursuit doesn't resonate with my life at all. I mean I can't even add, ffs.
just.. no.
but there it is, like the AA folks say, "I am Nikogda, and I am a failure at $ and thus possibly a failure at life"slow day but still
1) tossed some stuff J wanted without telling him, heh heh. It was literally trash, though. Also reorganized an area he works in. The potential for 'fail' was getting some 'tude for it or at least a HMPH but none was forthcoming
2) contacted via phone/text person involved in yesterday's Fail 3 and it was weird an awkward and she blew up my phone with all sorts of weird texts but my instincts were right. Not sure how much closer to resolution that it and am still happy to take the Fail for this whole relationship and also that reaching out in my way was also a Fail but at least i tried
3) contacted a 'light worker' type person whom we met in 2012 and whose flyer i found in an old notebook a few weeks ago. Prospecting her for J who's still 'single & looking' (and she seems his type) by inquiring re the service she provides/how much, etc. Only real risk of 'fail' is that she moved way ages ago, or whatnot. Not to mention other inherent risks - like that she hounds me to purchase some aura cleansing service or something. This sounds SO TRIVIAL but I tell ya, without this goal i would not have done it.
4) had set a goal to NOT be distracted by social media or videos at all for the whole day and it did fail around 7 or 8pm after I'd done what I considered a full day's work - but in spite of the FAIL so glad I managed to go thru till then without breaking the 'fast'. Might try it tomorrow or whatnot
5) moved a fridge by myself (didn't want to bother anyone) and now my knee hurts so yeah... fail, lolthis goal is really working!
1) was asked to download images off boss lady's sister's phone. I didn't know how I was going to go about doing that and at one pt I dropped my purse and was afraid I'd damaged the camera. This was getting me all worked up until I realized that if I broke her camera I would have something truly Epic to put down here and that made all the bother and uncertainty go away! in the end it was fine I was able to get the pics and not break the camera but that was just so funny to me
2) had lots of interactions yesterday and most were OK but a few I defo feel I missed the mark and it made me very uneasy. Always thinking it's like the Armageddon if I don't do something perfect or missed the mark in any way, LOL! This is the hardest thing for me to live down for some reason, when I feel I missed the mark in a social situation and I impugn all sorts of catastrophic consequences to it. Some ppl are of course just hard to deal with but still you always think in hindsight 'you could done it better'.
I still feel wiggy about this circumstance so nothing else to do but add it to the 'fail' category.
3) there's another weird relationship that went down the tubes because of a weird situation where some money is owed (NOT by us) and J is making a hard line of it and generally I do too but under this circumstance I'm willing to let it slide and am trying to negotiate it so that J doesn't make it a bigger deal than it need be. Not sure it's possible at this point and so this will probably have to go into the FAIL category when I fail to get her on the phone, mend fences/get some compensation back, and J sends some escalating email.
more agreable 'fails':
1) walked down to the pub where our friend was playing last nite. Just up and went, not really telling anybody, at 10pm because I wanted to see them. C - line's BF is the main act and she was there and some other ppl and I heard for a while then went home. I knew J wasn't going to want to go and it was going to be a big fucking obnoxious deal and it's not like I wanted to bliss out at some pub for hours, I just wanted a chance to see my friends and do soemthing vaguely New Years Eve-ish. Plus I had a midnite deadline. So I took the small risk and it was great
2) submitted a fiction story to another contest :) it was a total abortion but I had committed to doing it, and by golly, I done did it.
3) an interesting coda to my previous 'fail" (emailing the writer):
received this from his office manager:
"Dear Dr. Nikodga, (I shit you not, she called me Dr, LOLZ!!)
I am Professor Blinky's Office Manager. He is in the Sahara at a remote research station now, and then in Italy until March 28th. Could you resend your email to him in early April?" and it went on another line or not
the upshot is whatever I sent sounded so legit that the woman thought I was a legit PhD :D :D :D even though I referenced a lot that I was at best going to SEEK a degree in the near future and didn't have access to JStor, etc.
so anyway that gave me a tiny chuckle
i prob will write him in April, I mean, why not?
I LURV this goal@AStaggeringRatofHeartbreakingSomething 01-Jan 14:55
There is no failure like fab failure.@AStaggeringRatofHeartbreakingSomething 01-Jan 14:55
I was going to say something like 'After the first failure there is no other,' but that's neither true nor acceptable under this goal.
@alter_eggo 01-Jan 16:36 Edited
congrats on your degree! ;D
@simplicity 01-Jan 22:37
Oh Dr. Nikogda, I am so happy to see you excited about potentially failing
@rosewilder 02-Jan 13:59
You are such an inspiring failure! I love your attitude and your goal!not much today
went out of my way to visit work ppl and it was a good call (so, not a fail per se but yes a risk)
explored an unused shack near place of work (we'd gotten permission from the owner) and it was COOOOL!! An abandoned woodworking studio, including the sorts of power tools I remember from sculpture class where the teacher would describe, at the beginning of the semester all the 67 ways each of those tools could kill you or maim you for life. Borrowed a chisel.
went on random PM walk (dark) and went in to a field
the 'just say hi' thing came up again as I went by the pub and saw a car belonging to ppl i knew and opted not to go in but it was not a big deal. I decided 'who the fuck cares. It's late, I don't want to get drawn into some thing, and I've done way more interesting things of late'
one thing that might be a 'fail' was one resident kept emailing me about sending him video, photo files of when he was there and it was sort of a bit above and beyond my job description so I countered with "here you go, I can do that for you but how about I send you some flyers for Job place and you distribute them for us?" and have not heard back. OOPS.
a weird hospital bill fail but not sure whose fault it is; I guess have to wait till Monday now
have been able to contextualise previous party fails. I was blaming a lot or too much on J's shenanigans, but I was complicit too. I'd discussed in Dec entry re the planet of paranoia and fear I have to carry around and that always makes me orchestrate circumstances like what happened. Or I dont' really have it in me to push for going no matter how much I would want to because of expectation that it will suck regardless. So even though i do not and will not let J off the hook for his role in it, it behooves me to pay attention to mine beause i'm the only thing I can change (and even that much is up for debate) - but yes, it did prove a useful fail because going forward I can see it being better@simplicity 30-Dec-2018 01:27
New Year's cards are better anywayemailing a published, Best Seller neuroscientist professor an email
I felt I was way falling down on the 'be a failure' goal - jabbing at randos on facebook was just not doing it for me
so I decided to write a legit published author, a Big Deal in the field of neuroscience/psychology, an email :)
it was hard to do because of all the things that can happen (being ignored is a big one I suppose) but hell, there it is
now I can go to bed knowing I've done my best by my committment to this goalsocial media fails
those are always fun
1) participating in a site, posting a lot on it, and crickets. Persisting anyways instead of sulking, taking my toys away and going home. The only real tragedy is what a time fuckery it is, that's really the only thing legit re me wanting to exit. But deciding it is sine qua non of failing to invest a lot of time and energy on some bollocks that nobody (you nor them) gets fuck all from. And it does allow me to get some ideas in order
2) participating in a silly facebook group and actually Permitted myself to disagree with someone!! Usually I don't because it's easier to let things slide and because I react unpredictably when challenged/called on/trolled what have you and I'm just not willing often to put up with the energy drain. Sort of cowardly I guess. But I decided I don't need to take every last thing so seriously and personally and that it's OK to disagree or whatnot so went for it. So far heard one or 2 shady things but nothing too awful. But instead of either trying to mow them down or just walk away i posted the basis of my disagreement in a sort of funny way. Haven't heard back
at this stage of my life i dont consider myself the sort of person who takes evrything uber personally - at least certain things I just don't. But other things where it feels like someone is trying to dominate me in some way or put me down feels like a challenge and taken out of all proportion. But yes it's good to confront the ways I do still take so much so dang personally and waste my life in that.
@seasidebee 28-Dec-2018 13:01
Hope you're not thinking of not posting here anymore. I like seeing you here. You're one of the people that keeps me coming back. I encounter crickets a lot here, but I don't take it personally. I just figure, that like me, people don't have a lot of time to spend here.
@nikogda 28-Dec-2018 13:23
thanks!! I love it here and I love the people here, I like it that it's smal because then it feels more like a real family or whatnot if that makes sense? I'm with you though that sometimes it's SO QUIET!!!!!!! I like knowing specific ppl with specific idiosyncracies, struggles, triumphs, etc. I also really adore knwoing you and how fun, creative, and free-spirited you are
part of me wants the site to grow but also something would be lost.
i've tried to NOT come back here and not because someone/anyone here or feeling put out by it but mainly because I become an obsessive poster and then fail to get anything worthwhile done and it seems I can only control it by deleting my account or something
right now I have a page block set to keep me out of these sites from 7am to 7pm so of cousre what do I do? open an incognito tab and log in that way!!!! sort of funny but tragic@seasidebee 28-Dec-2018 14:48
Ha ha ha ha!!!!! Re the ingognito tab. LOLS.
Thanks so for the lovely compliment. Backatcha!
I have a small but mighty core of you here with whom I regularly interact and that interaction buoys me. So, when there's crickets, I know that y'all are just busy IRL, or lurking and not feeling posty. Or maybe I am just projecting and talking about mself. LOL Either way it's all good. Plus, you all just let me be me, quirks and all.
I like the smallness of it here too, and the incongruous but comforting mix of privacy and intimacy (ie, I don't have to out who I really am, like you do on Fuckbook) but I don't see how that makes for a good "business model" going forward, for the site creators. There was talk of the site being expanded or improved, none of which I have seen, and I have wondered if it was because the administrators won't expand it for so few users. I'd be sad to see it go the way of the original and then the revamped 43T, so I hope if it comes to that we have a viable option to move to, as we did from 43T to here! And that I know in time! Sometimes I am not here for days or weeks on end and I miss a lot...........even when I am here I miss a lot.
Anywho...........tra la la, tra la lee, rum tum tum tiddle um.@alter_eggo 28-Dec-2018 15:33
@nikogda I also like how small this place is. I loved myspace in 2004, but then it got big, bought by mr. murdoch, and basically disappeared. FB I haven't liked since 2008 - the hugeness of it makes me feel invisible and yes it seems like everyone is on their best behavior!!@nikogda 28-Dec-2018 15:57
i have in the past worried a lot re the site's viability because at some pt.... someone's got to pay for it... there's no ads, no user base, etc. I have even considered (and I hate to even say this or put it out there) that it is the few places I'd consider subscribing $5 a month if that's what it took to keep the lights on but that prob wouldn't be enough and who knows anyhowgood fails today!
1. daily schedule still a failure but vastly improved
2. went up to photo a really crazy house - have been wanting to for a while and finally did it and it was fine
3. actually applied for 2 or 3 BS writing jobs
4. went by that Baptist Church and actually talked to some ppl! Ended up inexplicably in a homeless shelter/soup kitchen situation, everyone was really nice, but they did not have the keys to the sanctuary. They also probably thought I was mad. And an interesting convo with one of the women about the meaning of Xmas.
a few little things I'd wanted to do but demurred and after earlier adventures it just didn't seem worth the bother.
defo encouragingapproach avoidance death spiral
part of the reason of this goal is I find there is a huge chasm between what I fancy myself doing/being and what I actually do.
playing out in my head elaborate scenarios of "I will do this thing" but when I am within striking distance crapping out.
this is so chronic that I'm not even sure how to go about things, really
i would like to close that gap between what I actually fantasize my life being v. what it actually is on the day to day and that includes at both ends: surrendering the more outrageous fantasies and acting out more on the achievable
the only way I see to do that is to just pursue more things, even silly things, that may have some risk to them (even if the risk is just having someone look at you cross-eyed)
i've gotten better at it though. Today
1) walked thru some rando's back woods and avoided getting mauled by dogs
2) walked up to a random B& B garden and took Instagram photos
3) yesterday walked up to an abandoned house and peeked thru the windows
but also failed to, yesterday
1) ask for a ride from someone getting in their car when it started raining on me
2) ask for some church ppl at their office to show me the chapel
another avenue of failing is of course failing to concrete goals, but that doesn't mean you should give up on them IE today failed to pursue my daily schedule after noontime because distractions
but i did pursue them up until then so, good effort.
and just because I failed at schedule today doesn't mean it's all worthless
will try and probably fail at schedule tomorrow again, but will go write it nowproud to say
MAJOR fuck up
not all my fault
it's late so no wish to go into it much but it involves probably alienating a future client and boss lady by (with J's prompting) inviting boss lady to a party these ppl were offering (the thing on the 21st I've been talking about)
when J first suggested it all my alarm bells went off, but I figured 'what the hay, often enough an idea of his I think is fucktarded ends up being brilliant, and I'm trying to be a fuck up anyway so let's go with it'
and yes it major blew up in my face :D :D :D
had to go thru All the Feelz and then try to put out the fires;
1) tell boss lady she could not come
2) tell possible client (L) something or other about it and hoping she doesn't cancel because of it all (which will in some way imperil my position and the place generally)
J says I was wrong to even ask L; that we shoulda just shown up with them and it is possible that that was the correct thing. On the other hand I was probably fundamentally right in that it is not seemly to randomly invite people to things.
all I really know is that I don't really care for these ppl in any kind of way, every time we go I'm either drunk or bored, and when L's name showed up on the roster as someone who would show up in Feb I just sort of shuddered.
so now I don't have to go (WIN) and I got the weird feeling re possible future fuck up with this person (because I would have HAD to interact with her eventually) out of the way. (WIN)
so, WIN - WIN.
This failure thing is super epicthis is a cool thing
via @simplicity
100 days of rejection therapy
probably not a great goal for me because a lot of these are outside my purview but interesting to see nonetheless
(i actually can totally see myself asking a stranger to borrow $100, lol, just for a laugh)ok day for this
the good
1) went to job thing, did my thing, it went OK
2) last nite stepped into open mic venue because of job thing in part and navigated all sorts of inner bullshit that woulda made this simple thing hard in the past (didn't even play, just went in for like 6 minutes to say Hi to SW and video him a bit)
3) got the thing we wanted
4) boss lady's sister is in from France and she speaks no English so 'conversed' with her in French which means to me saying some 1/2 assed shit and understanding 80% of what she says - still, Brownie pts for making the effort
5) helped boss lady fix a printer problem though I had no great notion what I was doing
6) reached out to churlish recalcitrant co worker, heard nothing in response
7) ongoing Schubert (this - chipping away at it
the ho hum
1) went by local pub saw someone I knew there from window, was on a walk it was late and dark and did NOT go in to say HI. Don't know why - it's not a Federal offense to go in and say HI to someone you know well - he was with 1 bloke I know and some other strange person. It wasn't even about stepping in to stay it was just to 'say hi', instead of walking by like some weird recluse. I think they say me, too. It's simply something I am not known for doing or that I don't do very often and by the time it occurred to me (nothing wrong with going in to say 'whats up') the moment had long passed.
this is important because the purpose of 'be a failure' goal is to push the envelope and leave the comfort zone even if/when it means making an arse out of yourself or in any other way confronting whatever bizarre thing in you thinks that something leaves a danger of FAIL or EVIL. Interacting with those you know is a classic one for me. So yea, bummed about this
2) procrastinated lots on project (what's new there) so no real chance to push that envelope of confronting my personal Peter Principle
in process
1) house thing. If I am annoyed enough re fail might attempt this
2) friendly escalation with co worker
3) finish G - D thing
4) AM breakfast tomorrow? (doubt it lots)off to a good start
1. sent email announcement too quickly and had major typo in there. A whole paragraph referencing a past event.
so now... to resend or not to resend?
not bothered about it which is interesting. This is a big fear I've had and oddly enough i have done it before re sending out links that were broken but that was different. This here was pure negligence whereas the other was just the system interacting weirdly
2. made communications over the phone difficult due to nerves and not having proper address. Bothered me for a minute but then I remembered I had sthg to put here now :)
the good end of things is yesterday's gambits bore fruit - I received positive feedback from 1 and 2 (a good long 'let's catch up' email) and I guess since 3 called this morning (hence muddling up address bit) I would say it all worked out well
now adding to list of failures
1. J's weird lawsuit idea story
2. learn a programming language (I think PHP because of what i'm doing)
3. learn how to navigate a router and network properly
4. speak in French with the French-speaking folks I know
5. find someone who knows Russian and speak to them (though my Russian is way worse than my French)I should make a list of things I want to attempt
1. do a legit open mic, the david bowie song (or any other)
2. approach local cafe re doing readings
3. sub more stuff for pubs
4. do more stuff with the biz website
5. apply for more grants
6. talk to random strangers about any old bollocks
7. jump off the high waterfall nearby (prob not till summer)
8. do busking without even checking to see if its allowed
9. do more stuff on facebook to make it more interesting
10. go to galleries to pitch them on our art even if i know they'd rather me undergo some hopeless Byzantine 'application' process
11. really do the selling online thing i had planned earlier
12. send the newsletter without so much torture/foresight
13. get the bird house I want
can't think of more but that should be a good startby which i mean
try more new and interesting stuff and massively fail at it
sort of like the Peter Principle
sort of like in weight lifting when they literally tell you 'do these number of reps till failure" IE when you drop the weight on your foot
BTW the ppl in the postcard (Madison County NC) had a great moonshine thing going until they got busted by the cops = failure
i wish to document all my glorious failures (or things I attempt that i expect to fail)
start us off with 2:
1) post photos from a recent event with CB (not sure she wants them on FB, I guess I will find out :) ) - i have zero reason to believe she would object because she always posts stuff on her wall but i always stop myself from doing the most trivial stuff in case someone does object.
2) wrote another friend (I think? will find out) re a new year event she hosts every year that she did not invite us to last year and I was fishing for an invite (it wasn't like an intimate gathering, just sort of a free for all; if it had been personal with family or real friends I would not have bothered)
3) contacting that person re that thing we wanted& we're not sure she's still in that line of work anymore
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